It must’ve been sometime in August – when a lot of upheaval was already taking place in my life – when I stopped giving a crap about politics. We’re talking, just stopped caring at all. Maybe it’s that I realized that the world isn’t going to just up and end because a candidate I’m not super pumped about wins. Maybe it’s that I realize that, at this point, our congress is so irretrievably broken that it really isn’t going to matter who wins the Oval Office, unless the first thing that person does is sign an executive order firing every last one of those ass clowns. Ass clowns, you say? Let me explain, with a bit of help from UrbanDictionary.com.
|ass clown||1589 up, 449 down|
|Ass clown||2694 up, 612 down|
ass clown (ás kloun) n.:
one, who, through the fault of his parents conception, is a skid mark in society’s collective underwear.
Now I’m really sorry if the word “ass” offends you, but honestly, it’s in the Bible, so I doubt God cares half as much as you do. Heck, it’s even used in some pseudo-modern context in there (No, I don’t have a verse to “prove it” to you. If you’re that bothered, you can look it up yourself – go ahead, I dare you.) I’m going with it.
Anyhow, most of our congressional representatives are total, complete, certified ass clowns. Not only are they ass clowns who make exorbitant amounts of money on being almost counter-productive to achieving whatever goals this nation might have (especially when it comes to bringing down the deficit and the national debt), but they are ass clowns who will continue to receive pay, pension, and benefits for the rest of their lives after they retire from their ass clownery. All this while veterans struggle to make ends meet and to deal with the results of their service because frankly, the system is overloaded at this point.
No, our legislature is just one big ass clown circus. And yes, I’m talking about almost ALL of them. They could not be less capable of forming one intelligent point of thought if their freaking lives depended on it. They’re all basically bags of flesh, sitting pretentiously upon the perch of their own self-importance, where they either bellow in each other’s faces about issues (Mitch McConnell) or struggle to make normal facial expressions after an unfortunate bout of Botox (Nancy Pelosi, I’m talking to you – don’t even play). And they are the lawmakers who really effect change (for the good or bad, but usually for the bad) in the lives of real Americans. And while we b**ch each other out over whether one guy in an overpriced suit and a White House will make ALL THE DIFFERENCE in our lives, the reality is this: there’s a system of checks and balances in this country, and the legislature is and has been broken for a long time. And in a nation where relatively intelligent, somewhat balanced folks like Orrin Hatch (R-UT) get far, far less media attention and vocal voter support than batsh!t crazy islamophobes like Michele Bachmann (Alien-MN)…well, let’s just say I’m not surprised that this election cycle has made the year 2000 look like, uh, the year 2000. God, I miss the year 2000 – back when our biggest problems were “Can we get home in time for TRL?” and “Will the Y2K bug wipe out our new AOL accounts?” Whatever happened to AOL?
I could go on with more explanation and pontification on all the things plaguing our political system and the mentality of voters themselves. But frankly, I hear the lines at the poll I’m about to go to are hella long, and I have a hair appointment at noon. So basically, I’m going to now hand it over to Matt Taibbi of Rolling Stone. Matt Taibbi has written what has to be the most eloquently and appropriately (but not too over the top) nihilistic piece of election commentary ever (that purple highlighted text means click the link, friends). And geez, the guy works for Rolling Freakin’ Stone. And I don’t. So there you have it. He wins.
Read on, my friends, read on (Now seriously, CLICK THE LINK. Don’t be coming up to me later, all “Oh, I didn’t really agree with your post…” and I’m all “Did you read the page I linked?” and you’re all “No, I didn’t really…*SLAP!*” That’ll happen.)
On an ending note, I just want to say that while everyone on my Facebook is shouting each other down over opposing political views, I’m instead going to say a prayer for all my friends who serve in the Armed Forces of this country, and who gladly put their safety on the line in the defense of rights we probably don’t appreciate enough. Part of the reason they do what they do is to protect peoples’ rights to spew whatever political crap they want to say – whether it’s right, left, intelligent, remotely coherent. Those are pretty big shoes to fill, and I dare say many of us wouldn’t be able to cut it (no matter how much Call of Duty: Black Ops you play). So just keep that in mind when you start a poorly informed political debate with someone on a message board. And then go outside and do something productive…like come help me rake all these friggin’ leaves in my yard.