I haven’t written in several weeks, mostly because I’m not sure where to start.
The update on the spot on my neck that the doctor removed is that it was a benign mole that had signs of “trauma.” In other words, I probably batted it with my hairbrush one too many times and the thing was just done for. So that’s all finished up. As for the lump in my neck, I’ve now had two doctors tell me that it’s a swollen lymph node and is nothing to worry about. Which leads to exactly the issue that has been plaguing me for weeks now.
I am not comfortable with their efforts to talk me down about this thing. My gut is telling me it needs more investigation, and I feel like nobody is listening to me. In fact, I feel like a few people probably think I’m crazy, which is fine, because it’s really my life and my decision anyway. I don’t know what to do. I’m so tied up in anxiety over this thing that I’m not sure what to do. I really feel like the only cure for my anxiety is to get the thing conclusively tested (most likely through removal and biopsy) so that I KNOW it’s nothing. Has it grown? No, not that I can tell. Does it hurt? No, not really. Does any of it matter? Nope. I still don’t like that it’s there. I don’t want it there. I want it out. I want peace.
My husband has been gone for almost three weeks and dealing with this anxiety and worry in his absence has driven me to just sit and cry my eyes out sometimes. I look at my life and all the blessings in it and I thank God so much for it all. But at the same time, I wonder why the heck he picked me when I clearly can’t hack it. I’m a wreck. I really can’t believe that his company sent him on a three-week audit smack in the middle of the holidays anyway, but I guess I’ll never understand some business decisions.
Frankly, I’m just at a loss on what to do at this point except to ask for prayers. Prayers that I’m going to get a doctor to do a little more investigation into this lump in my neck, and prayers that it’s nothing and I can just get back to the business of life. I know this won’t make sense to everyone why I’m so torn up about this thing. In case you haven’t noticed it, no, I’m not exactly the most loosely-strung person out there. But this has really taken my semi-anxious tendencies to a whole new level that I’m so not personally comfortable with. I really just need to get this thing conclusively checked out, so that I can move on with life, or at least get a jump start on dealing with it (if it turns out to be something serious). Oh, and also, so my shoulders can retreat to their normal position – instead of the latest home, which is up right by my ears. I’m just a ball of nerves right now, and there’s no real Christmas spirit in this December for me at the moment.
So, that’s what’s happening with that.