I Guess I Just Don’t Like Michele Bachmann.

Disclaimer: This blog post is mostly tongue-in-cheek. Please don’t send Anthrax to my house for this. I mean…unless you’re sending like, the band Anthrax. That would be pretty cool.

Michele Bachmann frightens me. And her eyes absolutely terrify me. And I think that Newsweek cover of her made her look like one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, but in a skirtsuit (which I think is a tool of the Devil himself anyway, so…whatevs). The point is, the woman gives me the creeps in a way that the weird guy that used to work at the Santino’s Pizza in Aynor never could have.

But most of all, the batcrapcrazy, “Oh no she…did she just say that?” things that fall out of Michele Bachmann’s mouth probably scare the daylights out of me the most.

And before you start sending me concerned messages because “Not everything Bachmann says is batcrapcrazy,” save your breath. You’re right. Not everything she says is batcrapcrazy. I’m sure she says simple, normal things too, like “I enjoy broccoli, but only with cheese on it,” or “My hair doesn’t respond well to Prell.” Those things make sense, yes. But the large majority of the political rhetoric she puts out there for our consumption is, indeed, batcrapcrazy. So I have a right to make fun of it.

Now, hear me out.

I am not a Democrat, nor am I a Republican. I’m more what you would call an “UghhhhhhIwannaNapitarian.” In late high school and early college, I considered myself much more conservative than I do now (basically, staunch Republican) – as in, I would never have voted for a Democrat, based solely upon labels alone. This is both a sad and embarrassing part of my past. I have many other sad and embarrassing parts of my past as well, of course. These include but are not limited to: two no-longer-meaningful tattoos; a satin corset “top” that is floating around on shelves at a Goodwill store somewhere (remember when those were just all the rage for going out, circa 2004?); and the scar between my eyes where my kid brother hit me with a small garden shovel when we were 5 and 2, respectively. I am “winning,” no doubt.

But I realized at the demise of this sad and embarrassing part of my past/ideology that I could no longer see everything in my life in simple black-or-white terms (and no, that’s not hinting at race – it’s figur’tive, people). While everyone kicked and screamed about “No grey area! There is no grey area in ______ (insert issue of the moment)!” I began to realize that in fact, the whole darn thing is grey and we’re all grey and geez, the only black-and-white issue is what’s right versus what’s wrong. And no, not right as in “leaning right.” Like, RIGHT. And WRONG. The crap your mama taught ya.

Shortly thereafter, I realized that the Republican party had gone completely whackadoodle-bananas-berserk, because that was the year they let good Mr.John McCain pick Sarah Palin as his running mate, a move which I believe killed his chances in ’08. I thought it quite sad, since John McCain is a man I truly admire and respect. And here he was, dragging along this beauty queen-gone-politico, this rogue (Drinking game continuation from Tina Fey’s SNL skit? Okay, go). It killed his chances, and I don’t believe he was an all-bad guy. He wasn’t all-good, either, but certainly not terrible. He just had a terrible running mate who completely slaughtered his campaign. I felt the same way at the time about Barack Obama, which is why I probably should’ve just gone for a pedicure on Election Day ’08, or done a write-in vote for Captain America or Trent Reznor or someone with slightly more substance than either crappy choice.

To me, the ’08 election was like someone asking me to choose between a moldy poo sandwich and a ripped-off toenail. But I did my civic duty, cast my ballot, and left feeling not the least bit better for it. Not to mention, elementary schools smell like pee. Constantly. Pee and No. 2 pencils.

Now, who did I vote for, you might ask? Well, I’m going to tell you, because I don’t think it’s fair for me to sit here and spew my politivitriol without being up front on that one thing.

In 2008, I had planned to vote for John McCain as the least crappy of two undesirable choices, until he picked Sarah Palin as his running mate. His health problems and age figured prominently for those of us who disliked his VP choice enough to change their vote. So, begrudgingly, I voted for Barack Obama in 2008. In 2012, I have decided that I will not be voting for him again.

If this information causes you to suddenly and deeply despise me, than you might be a small-minded person.

I will also take this opportunity to divulge a few more votes that I made that I later regretted on some level, whether minor or major. I will divulge this information 1) because I don’t really care what you think of my voting record, I’m not running for president, and 2) because I believe it stands as solid proof that I swing both ways. Politically!! Get your mind out of the gutter…

In 2000, I was not old enough to vote, but I was a little superstitious about electing a previous president’s kid and therefore supported John McCain (who didn’t get the GOP nomination, of course…because my team never wins).

In 2004, my first time voting in a presidential election, I voted for George W. Bush for a second term. At that point, I felt like he was doing a “good enough” job, especially considering everything that had taken place in his first term. I guess he’d also grown on me, and maybe I wondered if the SNL episodes would be nearly as funny with Kerry as president.

By late 2006 or early 2007, I felt that my ’04 vote may have been a bit of a mistake, but it really didn’t matter then because it was in the past, and because I live in South Carolina. In South Carolina, it really doesn’t matter if you vote for Charlie Sheen here, because the guy with the (R) behind his name is the one who is going to win. Accept it, own it, etc. – that’s part of living in SC.

Finally, In 2010 (and on principle alone), I hauled my 5 week old baby and stil-somewhat sore rear end down to County Square to absentee vote, where I cast a ballot for the guy who was not Nikki Haley, and whose name escapes me at the moment. Viggo? Vince? Vance? Who cares? My only real goal in this prime example of spiteful voting was to cancel out just one vote for Nikki Haley, who I believe is comprised of equal parts marshmallow fluff (evil), bad puns (doubly evil), and evil (also evil).

I no longer feel exactly that way. Probably because I have now seen much greater evil than the powder puff of political harmlessness that is Nikki Haley.

I would now welcome Nikki Haley into my home for sweet tea and banana pudding. In fact, I would happily host a ladies’ luncheon for just me, Nikki, Sarah Palin, and perhaps a few of the girls who were the most hateful to me in grade school, if it meant it might spare the world of the terror which I so deeply fear awaits us if people don’t wake up and get serious about the next election. Sarah Palin seems like a warm blanket to me now. I practically long for Sarah Palin – and those of you who know me know that I can’t stand the sound of her voice. It is like shoving a pencil wrapped in sand paper into my ear canal, I can’t stand it so bad. But I would gladly listen to the woman singing Ke$ha songs repeatedly, if it meant that I – and this country – would be safe from Michele Bachmann.

And since a lot of people choose to believe that Bachmann’s politics are somehow better than (or equal to) those of other, less blood-curdlingly-terrifying and slightly more verbally gifted and/or sane GOP options such as Rick Perry or Mitt Romney or RON PAUL (who I don’t dislike, I’ll admit – to my liberal friends, please do not kill me for this), I have to just post some of the crazy things she has said in public in recent years (from 2008 to the present).

Ladies and Gentlemen, I submit the following:

(Oh who am I kidding, only chicks read my blog.)

Interesting? No, what’s interesting is how you’ve made a feeble “connection,” which is to say not a connection at all, between Democrats and the Swine Flu. AND your dates are off. But nice logic.

Huh? I like dudes, but thanks.

Really? Man…9/11 is gonna be pissed you said that.

I want to add that everyone in the room laughed when she said this (YouTube it). But she’s right! Because when a power outage would cause your death, even though you’re technically already brain-dead, that’s basically the same as like, having the flu. Right? Oh wait…that’s not right, is it?

I have no words.

What? Okay, for starters, the message is not “I’m better at what I do, because I’m gay.” The message is “Who the heck cares that the person who wrote the music is gay, because the Lion King is AWESOME!” Who cares? Are you so bored with your own lame life that you have nobody better to pick on than gay people (clearly I must be a terrible person because I just don’t have time to pick on gay people). Why must that be your main mission in life, to attack and belittle people who are different than you? Good grief.

But…seriously, Michele. Clinton Kelly is better than you. And it might be because he’s gay (or just because he’s awesome), and therefore 10,000 times more fabulous than you. Sorry.

An aside: I just want to know where the heck some “Christians” sometimes get the idea that gay people are the last frontier of “wrong” that need to be “righted” somehow. Have you not noticed that we ALL suck at life? Worry about your own stuff and leave people alone about who they love. The bible is sort of straight up about the fact that judging people, in the realm of sins, is equal with murdering, lying, stealing, etc. – so why do people think they’re somehow exempt on the constant gay-bashing and judgment that they seem to yank out of their bag o’ tricks at any opportunity? Get a life and quit worrying about other peoples’ lives and business!

That said, I ask God to forgive me for sarcasm every day, as it is definitely my cross to bear.

The bible doesn’t say too much about calling a spade a spade. Or does it…? On we go.

What the…

How the…

Who would…

Are you SERIOUS?

Two weeks waiting tables at Ruby Tuesdays. I guarantee you she’d change her tune. Onward!

I like this one because Anderson Cooper is gay.

And also because I’d just die to be defined as 3/5 of a person. How flattering! Slavery? What is that?

Ah, and here is the one that got so much attention when I posted about it on Facepalm earlier this week. I was asked all kind of “hard-hitting” questions (that did not hit hard), and I stand resolute that this woman is a complete buffoon and legitimately, certifiably insane. Which, I guess neither is *that* bad, since we’ve already elected guys like, ya know, Warren Harding. Geez, what a screw up that guy was! But seriously, at least he was honest enough to admit that he was “not fit for this office and should never have been here.” The most you’d get out of Michele Bachmann in such a case is a proclamation that “there is absolutely no study to prove that the HPV vaccine does not make 12 year old girls suddenly and inexplicably mentally retarded,” which would be great, except that there are absolutely no studies that prove or even suggest that the HPV vaccine DOES anything except prevent young girls from contracting a sexually transmitted disease that could cause them to develop cervical cancer and DIE. DIE, folks. But I guess if you think like Michele Bachmann probably does, nobody has sex until they’re married. Nobody, I say!

*Edit: And for those who have a problem with it based simply upon the fact that it was “forced” on people, which in its original form, the order did not have the opt out clause – I agree with you. That said, the reason Michele Bachmann is yanking this out of her bag is for political gain only. And her comments about it causing mental retardation are completely unfounded and patently false. She has now publicly been challenged to produce the woman who told her this story. It’s a lie, folks. And she could be killing women with this kind of crap. Read the facts.*

And I’m not going to hand you all the answers here, because I’ve already researched them myself and frankly, you should, too. But Michele Bachmann’s spewing about the HPV vaccine (Gardasil) is utter and completely baloney, political fear mongering that she is using to get a few approval points with people who don’t have the good sense to consult medical journals, articles, and other sources that will tell you the truth about the vaccine. And you can use Google to find out that Rick Perry’s “Executive Order” (it was not a bill, that was in South Carolina, get your facts straight) in Texas that would have teen girls getting the vaccine did have an opt-out clause for parents that did not want their children to have the vaccine. That’s common knowledge and openly available information, even for folks that live in big ol’ glass houses like Michele Bachmann. Well…that is, unless you’re content just repeating stuff that folks send you in email forwards.

Ugh, I’m tired. You should be, too (that wasn’t an apology). Anyway, if Michele Bachmann gets on the ballot for 2012, I might actually start to believe all that “End of the World’ hocus pocus the Mayans were going on about. I might also do a write-in vote for Charlie Sheen.

What? It can’t hurt to try.


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