A eulogy, an anniversary, and a vent session.

So, a few things:

1) This morning, my beloved childhood dog Rose passed away peacefully. Rose was one of those animals with the most soulful, heart-wrenching brown puppy dog eyes you have ever seen. She came into our home as a rambunctious puppy when I was in eighth grade, some 13 years ago. In the time between then and now, she has seen so many incredible days in my life and the lives of those I love the most – and also some of the toughest days. I remember scratching her head as I hopped into my date’s truck to go off to the senior prom, and I just as clearly recall her snuggling up next to me as I cried myself to sleep over that same guy just a year or so later. She had a real heart, this dog. I remember being absolutely broken when someone at church told me that it’s not true that “all dogs go to Heaven.” To be honest, I think that person can bite me, but that’s just me. It really doesn’t matter, cause Rose was just an angel – who hopped around and later hobbled a bit slowly through family gatherings, engagements, wedding days, baby showers, new babies, Christmas eve and Christmas morning, and countless runs alongside me. There’s something quietly sweet about the fact that she was sitting in the kitchen and wagging her tail the day I started high school, and was still sitting there, wagging her tail, the day I walked in with my newborn baby for our first visit after Russ was born. She was my little “Black Angus Cow” and I will miss her so much. But, as the cliche-but-comforting saying goes, I really am glad that she’s not suffering any more. She’d been getting pretty old, and at her whopping 120-pound weight (she was a black lab), her joints were just about to give out. She stopped eating last week, and then started getting sick a lot yesterday. My parents made the tough decision to have her put down this morning, but I think they both took comfort in knowing that she lived a very full life, and that they did right by her. She is now buried between two Catawba trees, overlooking Potato Creek and all that made her happiest in her sweet, but far too short dog life. Rest in peace, sweet animal.

2) So, it was actually five years ago today that I sat, painting my toenails (with Rose right beside me, of course) and watching “Forrest Gump” (for the 1,218th time, at least) in the hours leading up to my wedding. It’s almost impossible to believe that five full years have passed since then. We’ve lived in Greenville for five years, we’ve been sharing a bathroom for five years, we’ve bought a house, a dog, endured a pregnancy, had a baby, and I can honestly say that these days, there are literally NO secrets between us. But I feel like Jonathan has always been a part of my life, in a way. He’s my best friend and my confidante in so many things in life. He’s also the absolute best father I could have ever dreamed up for my kiddo, so that’s just a huge bonus.

Oh, and he has a cute butt. Moving on…

3) And this is completely unrelated to the previous two (which were, it turns out, also not all that related).


Does anyone see that? That picture in that link there of that bone-thin woman who apparently just gave birth to a HUMAN BEING two weeks ago? Does everyone see that?

Okay, folks, that is NOT normal. I mean, I try to cut everyone some slack in the body department because God knows, we need a little slack in this ridiculous culture we live in. Nobody is quite “right” these days – if you’re a size 0, you’re too thin; if you’re a size 16, you’re too fat; if you’re a size 4, you’re “curvy” (seriously…in what alternate universe is a size 4 CURVY? People are HIGH, I swear…); if you’re a size 8 (like me), you’re “thick” (again…WTF). Maybe if we all find out how to turn invisible, we’ll be JUST RIGHT. Nobody is whatever everyone wants them to be, so believe me when I say, I really, really, really do try to cut everyone a break on the whole body obsession thing. I do.

But this is not normal. NOT normal. And not just the body size – though that is insanely tiny to have just birthed a fully gestated human baby – but also because the outfit is pretty hideous in itself and may actually hide a multitude of “flaws” (or rather, “normalcies,” which we all know are actually considered “flaws” nowadays). It’s the whole thing. The fact that she’s apparently shooting an ad campaign, two weeks after having a baby. The fact that she’s teetering on what I initially thought were chopsticks attached to bedroom slippers, but are actually just crazily high heels. It’s the fact that she could and probably should be resting, wearing shoes intended for human use, maybe trying to find her rhythm with nursing (because it may be “natural,” but that doesn’t mean it comes naturally, folks), or maybe just taking a friggin’ nap. Because naps, after you have a baby, come at a premium.

And I get that maybe she just doesn’t want to do any of those things. But maybe she should. And maybe she should have a hamburger. I’m sorry, and I know that sounds ragingly jealous and judgmental, but I promise that is not the place where that is coming from.

I just get so aggravated when I see this “So-and-so dropped all their baby weight in 10 days!” or “Celeb mom drops 55 pounds in 3 weeks by breastfeeding and drinking nothing but Kabbalah water!” IT IS INSANE, people. Why do we, as a society, feel the need to put this kind of pressure on new moms?

I just think it friggin’ sucks. And that is all.

Now, off to enjoy the remainder of my anniversary night with my husband and the sleeping baby in the middle of the bed between us. Oh, how glamorous a life it is! And I love it.

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