Look at what I’m missing!

And here I was, believing that my life was about as fulfilled as I could ever dream for it to be – and, apparently in error, looking forward to the future with my little bundle of joy in tow. Have I perhaps missed something? Bayer seems to think so, or what else can I conclude from their absolutely ridiculous new commercial for the Yaz-in-sheep’s-clothing birth control pill that they have not-so-effectively tried to disguise with a ridiculous new name: Beyaz. Oh, yeah, cause that’s totally different sounding.

Yaz was a one-time best-selling birth control pill that even I, the patron saint of birth control hatred, tried at one point in time. Ironically enough, the very symptoms that Yaz claimed to tame (irritability, moodiness, and bloating among the most often mentioned in Bayer’s ridiculous ad campaigns for the drug) were actually the ones most magnified for me while taking Yaz. Not to mention, it took me several YEARS after being on Yaz to get a period again. Cause that’s like, so totally normal, riiiiiiiiiiiight? Well it turns out that, whilst airing said inane advertisements touting all of Yaz’s wonderful features, Bayer left out the problems that they actually already knew the drug was causing. Problems like blood clots, heart attacks, strokes, gallbladder problems – and, as is the case with all birth control pills, even the rare occurrence of insulin resistance in some users. But what are the odds? Well, good enough. Now Bayer is facing thousands of lawsuits over serious injuries and deaths of women taking Yaz. And, lo and behold, Beyaz is suddenly on the market.

Who knows if Beyaz will prove to be as magnificent a screw up as Yaz was, but I’m going to venture a guess that the apple won’t fall far from the tree on this one, either.

What really irks me about birth control is the insanity in the advertising. I guess I’m leaving a pretty big opening here, but do pharmaceutical companies think women are stupid? Why else would they market birth control in such a way as Beyaz has recently been? In the new commercials for Beyaz, women are seen “shopping” in a boutique-ish store for a certain “lifestyle” or life event. One woman is seen casually browsing through homes, before she comes upon the certain one (complete with a “Thank you, Mr. Obvious” tag that reads “Buy a house!”) and heading for the registers. I think this is especially important, as women clearly do not have the ability to purchase a home if they get knocked up. Fuggedaboutit. Another woman decides to pick out a trip to Paris – because, clearly one cannot go to Paris if they are pregnant. I mean, hello, they don’t even feed most women in Paris, right?! Who ever heard of such a thing? Another woman is seen looking lustfully at the “Picnic by a Waterfall” display – something that strikes me as absolutely huge because we all know that preggos can’t picnic by waterfalls. Imagine my shock, because of all the things I didn’t do while pregnant, I actually did picnic by a waterfall once. I know, I’m such a rule breaker.

Edit: I also want to add, to quote a friend of mine, that the way the woman shakes off the advances of the stork “makes me want to impale her with that Eiffel Tower she’s strapped to the top of her car.” Not because we resent her for not wanting a child at this point in time (or ever, for that matter). It’s just that this commercial is filled with the same propogandizing crap that pharmaceutical companies have been pulling out since the freakin’ 1960s. It’s more of that self-righteous idea that a modern woman can’t be a mom, or that we lose all of our selves when we become mothers. That’s so archaic.

The truth of the matter? Yes, you do lose some of your former self when you have a child. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – the girl I was is a ghost now, wandering around the parking lot at Greenville Memorial Hospital, and sometimes when I drive by there, I literally tremble a little at the realization that she is GONE. I do not miss that girl. I do not pine for that girl. I just have so much amazement at the transformation that took place in the space of about 18 hours of my lifetime. Simple. As. That.

But seriously, Bayer?

Seriously? Really? Are you FREAKING KIDDING ME with this? How about you just save on your advertisement budget and let me type up a short press release for you:

“We here at Bayer realize that our product, which we knowingly mismarketed to draw attention away from its potentially hazardous or even deadly side effects, isn’t appropriate for use by a significant portion of the female population. But we don’t owe all of you plebian fools any explanation at all, because – as evidenced in the above video – we know you’re going to buy this pitiful attempt on the part of our marketing department to excuse our corporate irresponsibility and shortsightedness as a lack of perspective on your part. Please forward all questions to the rhinoceros.”

At least I’m not the only person who has noticed how ridiculous the commercials have been and continue to be. Here are a few of my favorite parodies.

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