Well it’s 11:17 pm according to my computer here, and I can’t sleep. It’s the night before Russ turns 10 weeks old, two nights before Thanksgiving Day, and just under three hours until Russ’s next feeding, but my wakeful eyeballs wouldn’t know it. Maybe the newness of Thanksgiving with a baby is striking me – I do have so much to be thankful for this year, and so much to be anxious, nervous, concerned, stressed, and overwhelmed about (it turns out). Not to come off as pessimistic, but parenthood is kind of heavy stuff. Sometimes things sneak up on me mentally and emotionally that I’m not really primed to deal with – such as the case tonight.
I’ve been in bed since 10 pm, but I just can’t shut my brain down. All of a sudden, my thoughts are rushing through my head at warp speed and I’m trying to figure out how I’m going to nurture Russ like he deserves when Jonathan and I eventually have more children. How am I going to save enough money to help pay for college? Then I’m thinking about my mother-in-law and how her “little boy” – the one who is my age and watched the same cartoons I did and whose not-so-old-looking photos are hanging all over her house – is not only 26 years old, but is my HUSBAND. How does that feel? To have a baby and then one day that “baby” becomes a 6’6″, married, employed, fully functional man (and father, no less) who doesn’t need you to feed, clothe, bathe, and care for him any more? Oh my GOD, it scares the hell out of me. I mean, I know that’s the natural resolution to this little boy I bore almost 10 weeks ago, but it’s insane! He’s going to grow up one day! I want to stop time. I want to stop time.
But I can’t, so here I am – sleepless and restless and hoping I can pull it all together and raise a genuinely good person. I think we can do it. I know with Jonathan’s help, I stand the greatest chance of succeeding, that’s for sure.
Having a baby this Thanksgiving takes me back to last Thanksgiving. Jonathan and I had just made the decision that we wanted to try to start a family soon. I had been off birth control for awhile, but we weren’t…ya know…”trying.” The minute we put any kind of effort forth, BAM! Pregnant. I guess my mom wasn’t kidding when she warned me (at age 15 or so) that every woman in our family was a “Fertile Myrtle.” And to think, I chalked it up to a scare tactic. But last Thanksgiving was kind of the point where we made that decision, and it’s kind of insane to me to think that we’re here, Thanksgiving 2010, with a little baby boy sleeping in a bassinet by our bed tonight. Err…well, Jonathan’s in bed right now, anyway. I’m sitting on the couch blogging to try and wrap up the unresolved stream of thoughts still bouncing around the padded room that is my mind.
But on the upside, we’re heading to the lakehouse tomorrow afternoon, where my parents and some of my siblings and their spouses and kids will all be meeting up for turkey, stuffing (or “dressing,” if you’re not from ’round these parts), and a whole lot of Catch Phrase. I’m pretty excited to have everyone see Russ – for my older brother and two girls, they’ve not seen him since the day after we came home from the hospital. For his wife, it’ll be the first meeting ever. Russ has changed so much, but a lot of really exciting things are starting to happen with him in the past week or two. He’s “talking” a lot more – cooing, giggling, squealing – and it’s just too much fun to sit there and chat with him. He watches me walk around and he interracts with me in a whole new way that has literally just surfaced in the past week or so. I do have so much fun being at home with him. I definitely don’t miss work, that’s for sure. At least when Russ gets ticked off, there’s a way to make him happy (Ha…).
Yesterday was Russ’s 2-month checkup, and that meant vaccinations. He got parts of the series for his DTap, Hep B, Rotovirus, and Pneumoccocal vaccines yesterday, and yes, it was heartbreaking. I can’t stand his little “hurt cry.” It’s a completely different cry than his hungry cry, his dirty diaper cry, or even his “I’m Just Freakin’ Ticked Off Cry.” It warmed my heart though that, when I picked him up in his hysterical state and cuddled him close to my chest, he seemed to calm down pretty quickly. Thankfully, he didn’t spike a fever or anything after his shots – he took a bit longer nap than he usually does in the late afternoon, but other than that, no negative effects. All in all, a success. Oh – and, he’s 24 1/2 inches long and 13 lbs., 3 oz. Definitely a healthy boy!
Maybe a blog session was just what I needed to tire me out. Happy Turkey Day to you all. May you find peace and positivity in the Thanksgiving holiday, and may you have even more to be thankful for this year than you did last year. 🙂