"Mommy Moments"

The latter part of this week has been something of an emotional stumbling block that I wasn’t really expecting. With my six-week postpartum check-up now behind me, 15 pounds left to lose before I’m officially back at my “fighting weight” (and err…size…ahem…), a baby boy that I swear changes each and every hour of the day, and a husband who is gearing up for a business trip to a country embroiled in almost constant drug-driven conflict and violence, you could perhaps say that I’m hanging on for dear life. Not exactly the stability I was hoping for a month and a half after the most life-changing event of my entire 26+ years.

The whole thing just recalls that whole conversation with my friend Amy about how the “new normal” is that there’s not going to be a “normal” for awhile. Doesn’t mean that’s any easier to adjust to, though. And with my hormones still doing unusual things throughout the adjustment from being pregnant into being a milk machine, I’ve been having a lot of these things that I call “Mommy Moments.”

I just want to start of by thanking Taylor Swift for a song on her new album called “Never Grow Up.” Yeah, thanks Ms. Swift, for somehow finding a way to make me cry even harder than I did when listening to “Fifteen” from your last album. Geez Louise, ya know, I pride myself on being a hardcore rock fan, a woman who has manned the rail at Nine Inch Nails, tried to knock some drunk chick out in the pit at Chevelle after she felt me up one too many times, and even jumped around like a crazy person at a Slipknot concert in ’09. But deep down, I’m just as emotional as anyone else – heck, who am I kidding, I am THREE TIMES more emotional than most people. So yeah, songs have often driven me to tears in the past, and this song really just yanks at my heart strings. I’m not really sure how Taylor Swift – someone who isn’t married and doesn’t have kids yet, and who isn’t really even old enough to drink – managed to nail the bittersweetness of parenthood, the amazing process of watching your kid come into the world and the dread about the days when he or she won’t need you quite so much, and the loneliness that many of us felt the day that we ourselves left the “nest.” But she nailed it. I would advise all my fellow gals – mommies and non-mommies alike – to listen to this song with caution, because you will probably need a kleenex or two. *sniffle* That’s where one of my Mommy Moments happened earlier this week – listening to the new album and happening upon that song RIGHT AS Russ opened his mouth into a wide smile and began to giggle at me for the very first time. The timing couldn’t have been more divine or more heartwrenching. That happiness and joy…it’s just too much to take sometimes. I cannot explain it except to say I never understood how much my parents loved me until now. What a humbling realization that is. And Russ won’t really understand for a few decades to come. But yeah – watching that amazingly beautiful smile spread across his face and those joyful little squeaks of amusement come out of him, all while Ms. Swift was singing “Oh darlin’ don’t you ever grow up, don’t you ever grow up / just stay this little”…yeah, I was a goner. Actually I’m a goner again – moving on…

I’m just so oddly emotional! Argh! I don’t like crying! I just want to be happy, and I am happy, but it’s the kind of happy where you cry a lot. Does that make sense? I sure hope so…

My emotions haven’t really been helped much by Jonathan’s impending business excursion to Mexico City. I’m sure you’ve all heard the various news reports about the drug violence in different parts of Mexico. Truthfully, most of the violence is centered in areas like Juarez, Tijuana, etc. But there is some level of danger being an American in Mexico right now, and my 6’6″, 270-lb. hubby isn’t exactly easy to miss. I know he’s staying in a very safe, tourist-oriented, nice area of the city, and that he’ll be with an armed driver/guard whenever he isn’t in the office or the hotel. But I cannot shake a certain level of discomfort that is just going to be there until he’s back from his trip. He’s not just my husband anymore, he’s Russ’s dad, and I’m pretty torn up about the fact that Jonathan isn’t going to be able to see him or hold him for close to two weeks. It just makes me appreciate people whose spouses or parents go to places like Iraq or Afghanistan…I just cannot imagine doing this with Jonathan gone full-time. Ugh, that would be horrible! In the meantime, I’m going to take tons of pictures and video for Jonathan to see on Facebook and/or when he gets home. We’ve got a phone card so that we can talk (international calls on Verizon are $$$$$), and we’re going to do Gmail chat at night, also.

Really, I’ve had more Mommy Moments these past few days than I can even remember, and perhaps that is the scary part. These moments are so fleeting, and never before have I had quite so much respect for the passing of time and the passing of our lives. We have to soak these moments up, because we cannot get them back, and sometimes, we cannot even fully remember them. All I know is that this little boy is the reason I was put on this planet. I had wondered more than a few times before what my purpose was. I get it now – it’s this.

3 thoughts on “"Mommy Moments"

  1. I'm sorry J is going to Mexico. I had a hard enough time when my hubby was in India for 2 months, and I don't have a newborn baby or crazy hormones right now. I feel for you! We used SKYPE for the first time while he was overseas, and I love it. Totally worth it if you have time to make an account. I also made a countdown chain that helped hubby count down the days.

    Hang in there Becky!

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  2. I agree with Brie, SKYPE is awesome! And it doesn't take any time to make an account, you can get a cheap webcam if yours (or hubbys) doesn't already have one. Go to Best Buy or any computer store. Worth the money (about $25 each), especially if he travels at all.

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  3. Hey y'all! We really wanted to do Skype because we already have it on our home computer – but Jonathan's work laptop makes it impossible to install anything like that. Which really stinks, because his work computer has a webcam! But we've been doing Gmail chat online at nights sometimes and using a phone card to talk in the mornings and at night for a few minutes at a time. We're more than halfway through his travel time now, so we're just hoping time passes by quickly. Thanks for the support and thanks – as always – for reading! 🙂

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