One of the reasons I have this blog is because I’m one of those people who often finds resolution through writing. Even if nothing is ever actually “solved,” I can often find some sort of calm in getting my feelings and frustrations out in the form of written words. Thankfully, it appears that the c-section topic issue may end up being like this. Once I got my epic vent out in yesterday’s blog, I immediately felt as if a weight has been lifted off of me. By the time I woke up this morning, I couldn’t tell if Russ had flipped or not and I wasn’t going to obsess over trying to figure it out. Besides, if I were him, having mommy and daddy feeling up on the tummy where I currently reside would really tick me off – and we wouldn’t want that, now would we? Haha…
Adding to that, I post on a message board where a group of women sort of congregate and discuss various issues (mostly health & fitness, but I spend a lot more time on the pregnancy section of that forum lately, for obvious reasons). In the beginning of my pregnancy, I was a bit resistant to some information or advice I got from some of these women…I guess I just thought that I actually had any control over this process. And in reality, yes, I knew that I couldn’t control a large percentage of things having to do with pregnancy and birth and parenthood in general…but I think it’s very easy on the first baby to get an image in your head of how things will be. I’ve always been a “planner” by nature, someone who wanted to prepare for every possible thing that could come up, and with pregnancy (and especially labor & delivery), I’ve found that it is mentally and physically impossible to prepare yourself for every possible thing. You just can’t do it. But these women have really been great with sharing their birth stories (c-section or otherwise) and basically saying “Look – this isn’t what any of us envisioned, but it happened, and we don’t feel emptier for it. We’re happy, our children our happy, and in some cases, our c-sections might’ve been far less traumatic than our vaginal deliveries.” They’ve definitely helped bring me back down to reality a bit. So, a little shout-out to my O2 girls…it’s been a long, emotional ride and you guys have been great at putting up with my 21(,000) questions. Thanks. 🙂
At the same time, Jonathan is wonderful and has been nothing but supportive and encouraging. Whether I hold Russ first or Jonathan holds him first is immaterial to me, as it should be. And a sobering thought: It’s easy to forget that even though the U.S. has a relatively low maternal mortality rate, there are women that (in rare cases) don’t survive childbirth for certain reasons, and in those cases the baby may never be held by his mother. Daddies wait 9+ months while we feel every kick, every movement, enjoy the process of feeling this little life growing inside us…it’s okay if he gets to hold Russ first and I have to wait 30 minutes or so until I’m in the recovery room. It’s selfish of me to expect some sort of idealized perfection, when what I’ve been given may be so much more than some other women have received.
So, basically, I feel better. A c-section still isn’t my first choice, of course. But I think this situation is going to pan out the way God intended, regardless of what my intentions were. I have to trust him on this one.